


Wild Women with Steak Knives

by spirantization



Series: Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea [2]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Developing Relationship, F/M, Post-Season/Series 03, Revelations, Threats of Violence, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 09:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16037591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spirantization/pseuds/spirantization
Summary: “I assume there are no dishes in Hell,” said Chloe. “Which would explain why you never did any.”Maze grinned, a little sharp and a little delighted. “Decker’s got jokes!”“No dishes in Hell,” supplied Lucifer. “No food at all, actually.” He reached out with one hand and slapped Maze’s plate to the ground. “And certainly no delicious spinach puffs.”[Post-Season 3. Sequel to "You said my name, but the devil came".]





	Wild Women with Steak Knives

**Author's Note:**

> i. First of all: thank you so much to everyone who read, kudosed, bookmarked, and commented on "You said my name, but the devil came". It is so cool that people liked something that's been knocking around my hard drive for months. 
> 
> ii. The title of the second episode of season four makes an appearance, because I think it's great and it worked for the scene. But in general, this series has nothing to do with anything in the upcoming season. Professional writers have to introduce new characters and move the plot forward; I can wallow in the mud for as long as I please.
> 
> iii. "Wild Women with Steak Knives" is the title of a song by Diamanda Galás, which you can listen to if you would like to know what it might sound like to be in hell and serenaded by a demon. (She's amazing, but don't say I didn't warn you.) Sadly, there are no steak knives in this fic, but "Wild Women with Eyelash Curlers and Butter Knives" just isn't as punchy.
> 
> iv. Enjoy!

“Funerals are absurd,” Lucifer proclaimed.

Chloe had long since resigned herself to Lucifer coming into her house unannounced and uninvited. She had decided to label the behaviour weird and intrusive, but since all he really seemed to do once he broke in was cook things and restock the liquor cabinet, she let it slide. Even if, like right now, he was set on watching her put on makeup.

“We are going to remember Charlotte,” she said, curling her lashes. “And why are you staring at me?”

“The application of makeup is fascinating,” he said.

“I doubt that,” she said. “You wear eyeliner more often than I do.”

“Exactly!” he said. “You so rarely wear makeup. It’s like watching something forbidden.”

“Well, it’s kinda weird,” she said. “And you should wear a tie.”

He scoffed. “I absolutely will not,” he said haughtily. “I’m not a dog. I don’t need a collar and leash. And I don’t see why I’m expected to wear a tie to stand around a dead body.”

“It’s respectful,” she said.

“It is not,” he insisted. “Charlotte is in the Silver City. Her body is just a body now.”

Something strange pinged in Chloe’s memory. She whirled on him, brandishing her eyelash curler at him. “Charlotte Richards was _not_ your step-mother!” she cried.

“Oh, goodness, no,” said Lucifer.

“So much for never lying,” she said, firmly turning her back to him and focusing on her makeup once again.

He tsked in his most condescending way and she contemplated throwing her mascara at him. “I never lie,” he said. “She told you that She was my Father’s ex, you assumed that She was my step-mother, and I simply didn’t correct you. I didn’t lie. I just — omitted certain truths.”

She glared at him in the mirror. “Lying by omission is still lying.” She thought about it for a moment. “Then who was she to you?”

“Oh,” said Lucifer dismissively, waving a hand. “Well, the original Charlotte Richards died at the exact moment that my Mother escaped Hell, and because She’s a celestial being, She needed a physical form to exist on Earth. So She inhabited Charlotte’s body.”

“So, that was your _Mother_?”

“Yes,” he said. “The Divine Goddess.”

“Huh.” She thought about that for a moment. She’d heard Lucifer talk about his Mother plenty of times before, but since she found out he was the devil she’d mostly forgotten about that little tidbit. “And your Mother — She was in Hell?”

“Yes,” he said. “Dad sent Her down a couple thousand years after He kicked me out. They’d been fighting for a while, and it was a bit of a messy breakup. She got sent to Hell and I became Her warden.”

She leaned back and looked at her makeup critically in the mirror. “Your family is pretty messed up.”

“Yes, they are the worst,” he said.

“But Charlotte — original Charlotte — is the one who died,” she said slowly. “What happened to —?” she cut herself off.

He sighed. “It’s a long story,” he said. “But basically my Mother wanted to start a war in Heaven and was trying to rope me and Amenadiel into it, but I ended up using the Flaming Sword to cut open a portal into a new universe, which is where She went.”

It all sounded completely crazy to Chloe, who was still trying to wrap her mind around the fact that Lucifer was the devil without having to deal with the possibility of him waging a war in Heaven and cutting open doors to new universes. There were several things there she didn’t even want to touch, that she didn’t know how to deal with, but she knew how it felt to miss a parent and she recognized the wistful tone in Lucifer’s voice.

She reached back her hand to touch his arm. “I’m sorry,” she said.

He smiled at her, meeting her eyes in the mirror. “It’s alright,” he said. “I’m sure She’s happy creating Her own universe without having to deal with Dad or humans. She hated you lot,” he added, sounding bizarrely chipper about it.

She frowned. “Didn’t She help create humans?”

“No, no, that was all Dad,” he said. “Mum just sent the occasional flood or plague down here whenever They had a fight. She could be a bit homicidal, really.” He sounded almost fond at that. “Planted a bomb under your car that one time, tried to kill you, that sort of thing.”

“What?!” She nearly stabbed herself in the eye with her mascara brush.

“Don’t worry, Amenadiel stopped Her,” he assured her.

She took a deep breath and let it go. She’d been doing that a lot lately. She turned around and looked Lucifer in the eye.

“Lucifer,” she began slowly. “Are there any other huge secrets that I don’t know about?”

He shifted a little, but she knew he wouldn’t lie. “Yes,” he said eventually, meeting her eyes a little defiantly.

“Okay,” she said. “Do they have any impact on my life?”

“Yes,” said Lucifer bluntly.

“Okay,” she said again. “Could you please tell me?”

Lucifer looked at her carefully. “Honestly?” he said. “I would rather not.”

“Lucifer,” she said, trying to tamp down on the frustration that was bubbling up inside her. At least he was honest about not being honest. Baby steps. “Whatever is going on with us, we need to be honest. We can’t keep secrets from each other.” She valiantly did not mention that she wasn’t keeping any secrets from him. This was new territory for him too, and he was still figuring out the dynamics of their relationship, just as she was.

“You’ve been through a lot,” he said. “You’re still processing everything and I — didn’t want to dump even more celestial nonsense into your life. I was trying to be empathetic,” he added in a tone that clearly indicated that he thought he should receive accolades for this.

Not a human, not a human. Right. “Okay,” she said. “I appreciate that. But you don’t get to decide when and where I know these things, and then turn around and act like everything is normal between us.”

“I thought we agreed that nothing had to change!” he said defensively.

“I think some change is inevitable,” she told him. “Change doesn’t have to be bad. But we can’t have any sort of relationship, friendship or partnership, if you’re keeping secrets from me. And then _nothing_ will change, and we’ll just keep doing the same song and dance we’ve been doing for the past three years. And I don’t want to go backwards.”

He stood still, thinking this through. She didn’t push him.

“You won’t like what you hear,” he said. He was probably right. She didn’t like much of what she’d heard so far, but at least now she had the truth.

“That doesn’t give you the right to make decisions for me,” she said. “I want you to tell me all the things you’ve been keeping from me. Especially if they’re affecting my life. Or my daughter’s life.”

He looked at her intently for a moment. “Very well,” he said. “But I want to tell you in private, at your home, and preferably when you have a couple days off so you can plan to flee the country if you wish.”

“Deal,” she nodded. Then she realized what she’d said. “Oh no.”

Lucifer went from kicked puppy to delighted. “Deal!” he exclaimed, grinning at her with frankly an alarming number of teeth.

She stood up and marched past him, going straight for her closet. “Don’t look so smug about it,” she scolded, pointedly not looking anywhere near him. She didn’t have to see him to know how ridiculously proud of himself he looked right about now. She extricated a pair of black heels from the back of her closet and sat down on her bed to start tugging them on. “I said it by accident.”

“You made a deal with me,” he crowed.

“Congratulations,” she said. “Is it too late to make you wear a tie?”

“Can’t change the conditions of the deal after it’s been made,” he said.

She turned to look at him, dressed in all black and perfectly coiffed. “Do you…” She huffed, feeling ridiculous. “What happens to people after they make deals with you?”

“They get whatever they asked for,” said Lucifer. “So you shouldn’t worry that I won’t follow through on my end of the bargain, Detective.”

“No, I meant —” She may as well go for it. “Do you buy people’s souls?”

“What, in this economy?”

“I’m being serious!”

“So am I!” He adjusted his cufflinks. “There are currently seven and half billion souls on this planet. I’m sure you can only imagine the number of souls that have taken up residence in Hell in the time since humanity was created. It’s not exactly underpopulated. I don’t need to go around handing out pamphlets.”

She walked out of her bedroom. He trailed along behind her. “Then why does everyone think you make deals for people’s souls?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Why does everyone believe I have horns? A rumour probably got out of hand at some point. Perhaps someone wasn’t happy with the favour I asked in return. Detective, I assure you: I have never bought, nor will I ever buy, a human soul. What would I even do with one?”

“I didn’t even know souls were a real thing until a week ago,” she said. “How am I supposed to know?”

“Well, I don’t know either!” he said.

Chloe rolled her eyes. To think, at one point she actually thought knowing the truth about Lucifer would mean she’d have fewer questions, not more. “Trixie, babe!” she called. “Are you ready? We’re going to be late!”

“No, we aren’t,” said Lucifer, frowning.

“With a kid, if you aim to leave on time you’ll be half an hour late. Trixie!”

Trixie came running out of her room. “I’m ready!” she said. “Hi, Lucifer!” She threw her arms around him.

“Goodness,” he said, arms raised above her head, stunned in the way that only a hug from Trixie could make him. He tentatively reached down and patted her head. “I think that’s sufficient, child.” Trixie grinned and let him go.

“Mommy,” she started. “When is Marcus’ funeral?”

Chloe froze. “Oh,” she said, pretending to rifle through her purse to give herself some time. “I don’t — I don’t know if he’s going to have one, monkey. He was cremated. Charlotte’s being buried in a cemetery. It’s a little different.”

“But shouldn’t there be a reception or something?” Trixie asked.

“I don’t know,” Chloe said, suddenly feeling hopelessly out of her depth. “He didn’t really have any family.”

“We could have a reception here, right?” said Trixie with all the bright innocence of a child.

“We’ll see, monkey,” she said. She could only put her off for so long before she came back around and asked again. Chloe had an uncomfortable conversation in her future. “Go get your coat, we have to leave.”

Trixie raced off, and Chloe pointedly did not look at Lucifer. She could feel him watching her.

“Don’t start,” she told him.

“I didn’t say anything,” he said. “Although you should know that lying is a sin.”

“I didn’t lie,” she said. “I just…” she trailed off, feeling as though she’d walked into a trap.

“Omitted certain details?” he finished, his tone perfectly casual.

“Okay,” she said. “I know what you’re trying to do, and you can just stop. She’s ten. I’m an adult. It’s completely different.”

Lucifer hummed. “You omitted some information because you were trying to protect her,” he said. “An impulse I understand.”

“She doesn’t know that Pierce killed Charlotte,” Chloe said under her breath. “She’s had enough to deal with as it is with Charlotte and Pierce’s death and all the other changes in her life. I didn’t want to tell her that the guy I almost married was a murderer.”

“Mm-hmm,” he said. He clearly seemed to think that she had proved his point for him and was therefore completely off the hook for any sort of wrongdoing. He’d be insufferable for the rest of the day.

“Let’s just go,” she said. Trixie raced up and grabbed her hand, and she ushered the both of them out the door.

* * *

“Decker,” said Maze, who had shown up to the wake in her best leather. She had a plate that was piled with bits of everything from the buffet table and was standing well back from Chloe. She was looking at her with some trepidation. “I hear you’re officially in the know now.”

Chloe didn’t know much about demons, but she knew plenty about Maze. They were friends — albeit a bit on the rocks at the moment — and there was no reason why any of that hadn’t been real. And as long as she was prepared to give Lucifer, who was the actual devil and had run Hell, a chance in her life, she figured she could do the same for Maze.

“So it would seem,” said Chloe. “It actually explains a lot about living with you.”

“Hell on Earth?” said Lucifer, appearing out of nowhere to loom over her shoulder and glare at Maze.

“I assume there are no dishes in Hell,” said Chloe. “Which would explain why you never did any.”

Maze grinned, a little sharp and a little delighted. “Decker’s got jokes!”

“No dishes in Hell,” supplied Lucifer. “No food at all, actually.” He reached out with one hand and slapped Maze’s plate to the ground. It hit the carpet with a muffled thunk and the food spilled out onto the floor. “And certainly no delicious spinach puffs.”

“What the hell, Lucifer!” snarled Maze. “I was going to eat those!”

“Lucifer,” hissed Chloe. “What are you doing?”

He ignored her. “First you want to go home, now you want to eat spinach puffs — make up your mind, Mazikeen!”

Chloe remembered the little spat they’d had, each of them talking about how Lucifer had refused to take Maze home. _Home_. Home for a demon was Hell. They’d been talking about Maze wanting to go back to Hell, and how Lucifer wouldn’t take her back.

“Chloe,” said Maze. “I’m so glad you’re here so I can actually stab him in his stupid, selfish face.” She picked up a butter knife and brandished it in his direction. “This isn’t very sharp. Maybe I’ll pop out an eye instead.”

“Stop that,” said Chloe. “People are staring.”

“I’d like to see you try,” said Lucifer told Maze. He stood a little taller and adjusted his sleeves. “Detective, don’t listen to a word this termagant has to say.”

“Terma — what?” said Chloe.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice that Pierce was armed with the one thing capable of actually killing me,” said Lucifer, who was apparently going there in the middle of a wake. Because of course he was.

“He knocked me out and chained me to a boiler,” Maze said indignantly. “I had to fight twelve people to get out.”

“Maze, are you okay?” Chloe asked. She hadn’t realized Maze had been caught up in all this; she hadn’t been able to get a hold of her, but that wasn’t an especially unusual thing. But all the while she’d had her own confrontation with Pierce to deal with. At least she appeared to be healthy and whole.

“See, she cares!” Maze gestured to Chloe, her focus solely on Lucifer.

“She doesn’t know that you’re a deceptive little Hellspawn,” he said.

“ _She_ is standing right here and I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Chloe said. She looked around; they were definitely starting to attract the attention of the people nearby, and several of them were throwing dirty looks in their direction. “Keep your voices down. We’re at a wake.”

“Pierce must have taken one of my blades after we fought,” said Maze, continuing on as if she hadn’t spoken. “I certainly didn’t give it to him.”

“But you were working with him,” Lucifer accused.

“Fine,” said Maze, tossing the butter knife back onto the buffet table. It landed point-down in a block of cheese. “Yes, Pierce and I had a deal. He was going to make Chloe fall in love with him, and then I was going to kill him.”

“What?” said Chloe, startled by her inclusion in this fight. “What on earth does my relationship with Pierce have to do with any of this? And — you were what?”

“Um, _everything_ ,” said Maze. “He was only interested in you because he thought if you fell in love with him, his stupid mark would disappear and he would finally be able to die.”

That was crazy. It made absolutely no sense, but was delivered with the same ironclad confidence that Maze and Lucifer had been using to speak the truth for years. A week ago she would have brushed her off or tried to work within a perceived metaphor. She couldn’t do that anymore.

“Mazikeen!” Lucifer snapped.

“Well, it worked, didn’t it?” Maze said. “You fell in love with him, no more mark, and now Pierce is dead.”

“Not exactly, Maze,” said Lucifer. “Which you would have known if you hadn’t been off betraying all of us.”

“Me?” cried Maze. “You’re the one who made the deal with him in the first place! This is your fault!”

“That’s enough!” shouted Chloe. She glared at them. “We are at a wake. For _Charlotte_. Remember?” They didn’t bother to look contrite, but they did stop arguing with each other. “Outside. Let’s go.” People all over the room were levelling looks at them. Across the room, Dan made a questioning gesture and mouthed ‘What’s up with them?’

She shook her head at him. She took each of them by an arm and marched them both outside and to the other side of the parking lot, just to be safe. “Someone tell me what the hell is going on this instant.”

“Everything is Lucifer’s fault,” said Maze. “As usual.”

“Not true,” countered Lucifer, raising a finger. “Everything is Pierce’s fault.”

“Less fighting,” said Chloe. “More telling me what actually happened with Pierce. Or Cain, or whoever the hell he was.”

Maze crossed her arms over her chest and let out an aggrieved sigh. “Pierce came to Los Angeles because he knew Lucifer was in town, and he knew that you made him killable. He wanted to die and for some stupid reason he thought standing near you might make him killable too.” She paused. “It did not.”

Chloe remembered going out to the ranch with Pierce, so soon after they’d met. The way he’d jumped in front of her and taken that shotgun blast — she had thought he was being so brave. Now she just felt sick.

“When that didn’t work, I agreed to help him remove the curse my Father placed on him,” said Lucifer. “Kill him _and_ annoy my Father? Win-win.”

“I asked Lucifer to take me home,” said Maze. “But he wouldn’t, because he’s a huge jerk who’s afraid his daddy would get mad and kill you.”

“It wasn’t an unreasonable assumption!” said Lucifer, who clearly operated with a different definition of the word ‘unreasonable’.

“Okay!” said Chloe, throwing her hands up between them and wondering when she had turned into a referee for celestial beings. “Okay. This doesn’t explain me and Pierce.”

“That’s because it’s stupid,” said Maze. “Pierce thought that if you fell in love with him, his mark would go away and he’d finally be able to die.”

“And why would he think that?” asked Chloe.

“He thought that I’m vulnerable because you’re in love with me,” said Lucifer. “He thought if you loved him, he’d become mortal as well.”

“What?” said Chloe. “Is that true?” He’d been so cavalier that night as he drew a knife across the palm of his hand. If her love was the thing that made him vulnerable…

“No, that’s completely absurd,” said Lucifer, cutting through her thoughts. “It’s the other way around.” She blinked. The other way around? “Pierce only became mortal after _he_ fell in love with _you_.”

“Pierce and I made a deal,” said Maze. “I’d help him get mortal, and then I’d kill him and frame Lucifer for it.”

“You were going to what, Mazikeen?” said Lucifer, his voice cold.

“You’re the only game in town with wings,” said Maze. “I was going to destroy your life on Earth so you’d have to take me back.”

Lucifer stepped forward as if he was going to beat Maze into the pavement. Maze looked as if she was going to give as good as she got. For a moment, Chloe was breathless; here was the devil and a demon, ready to throw down in the parking lot of a funeral home.

“Stop!” she said, stepping between them. “We are at a wake. And I know you think they’re stupid, but everybody else in there doesn’t. So you two are going to pull yourselves together, be civil, and then we will deal with this later. Got it?”

And the moment was gone, and it was just Lucifer and Maze.

“Very well,” Lucifer said.

“Whatever,” said Maze.

Chloe looked at the two of them, shook her head, and walked off. There was no way she was going to deal with the two of them without reinforcements.

* * *

Chloe wondered what had lead her to this moment: sitting in a chair in Linda’s office with the devil and a demon, who were slumped on the couch, arms crossed and avoiding each other’s eyes, looking for all the world like a pair of children who had been dragged out of class to talk to the principal.

“Alright,” said Linda, who didn’t appear too worried about the fact that Lucifer and Maze had wanted to beat each other to death a couple hours ago. “I think we have some things to talk about.” She paused. “So, who would like to go first?”

“None of this would have happened if you had just taken me home when I asked you to!” Maze said, turning and pointing an accusing finger at Lucifer.

“And I already told you, I am _not_ your personal inter-dimensional chauffeur,” he snapped back at her.

“I never ask you for anything,” said Maze. “The one time I actually want you to do something for me, you turn me down.”

“You wanted a one-way ticket back to Hell!” said Lucifer.

“I was sick of Earth,” said Maze. She leaned back and crossed her arms.

“I thought you liked Earth!” said Lucifer. “You love hunting down humans!”

“Well,” said Maze. “Maybe if you actually _listened_ to me for a change, you would know why I wanted to go back.”

“Honestly,” said Lucifer. “What could Hell possibly have that Earth doesn’t? Not me, for starters.”

“I wasn’t going to leave _you_!” Maze protested. “Why do you think I was going to frame you for murder and destroy your identity on Earth? Obviously I wanted you to come back with me and everything was going to go back to the way it was!”

“Okay, okay,” said Linda, holding up her hands. “Let’s just all take a deep breath. We’re doing really well so far.” She turned to Maze. “First of all. Maze, we don’t frame people for murder to show them how much we care about them.”

“I don’t care about him,” said Maze, who clearly felt no compulsion to tell the truth the way that Lucifer did.

“And Lucifer,” said Linda, wisely choosing not to protest Maze’s statement. “We have to respect the choices other people make about their lives, even if we don’t agree with them.”

“She can do whatever she likes with her life,” said Lucifer. “I just don’t appreciate being manipulated into carrying out her little machinations.”

“It sounds to me like there are a lot of hurt feelings here,” Linda started, but Lucifer cut her off.

“No,” he said. “There are no _hurt feelings_.”

“We’re not going to _cry_ about it,” said Maze.

They turned their heads away from each other.

“You can’t just stay mad at each other forever,” said Linda.

“You can’t!” said Lucifer while Maze snorted.

“Right, of course,” said Linda. “I have to remember who I’m talking to. Okay, so while you can _technically_ stay mad forever —”

Lucifer ignored her in favour of trying to drag Chloe into his fight. “Are you going to forgive her?” he asked Chloe. 

“Please leave me out of this,” said Chloe.

“She manipulated you and Pierce together,” said Lucifer. “You probably wouldn’t have even considered marrying that sod if she hadn’t put her filthy hands all over your relationship.”

“Me?” cried Maze. “Chloe, you’re not seriously going to forgive _him_ , are you? Pierce never would have come to Los Angeles if he weren’t here. Everything is entirely his fault.”

That was it. She wasn’t going to sit here and listen to the two of them try to pit her against each other in some sort of sick mind game.

“Enough!” snapped Chloe. “I can’t believe you two. You have both lied to me, manipulated me, and now you’re trying to use me to win your little spat? Forget it.” She took a deep breath. “I was going to _marry_ him. I trusted him with my _daughter_. Do you have any idea what it’s felt like — and now I find out you both were playing some sort of twisted little game and _I_ was caught in the middle? And you’re still doing it!”

Neither of them were brave enough to say anything, deciding instead to stare at the ground. Beside her, Linda hid her hand in her lap to give her a discreet thumbs up. Chloe continued.

“Now, I’m not immortal, and I don’t have the option of staying mad forever, so I would like us to talk about this, like adults, and then work past it. Because for some reason that escapes me at the moment, I actually want to keep you both in my life!”

For God’s sake, they hadn’t come this far to fall out over _Pierce_. She had her limits.

“Well,” said Lucifer. “Technically you have an immortal soul, so you could. Stay mad forever. At Maze, obviously.” At Chloe’s incredulous stare, he continued. “What? I just want you to know all your options.”

“I think Chloe’s idea is a good one,” said Linda, desperately trying to steer the conversation into reasonable territory. “I think everyone has something they would like to apologize for.”

Her suggestions was met with incredulous silence from two thirds of her audience.

“I’ll go first,” said Chloe. If they waited for Lucifer and Maze to admit wrongdoing, the whole thing with forever might actually play out. “Lucifer, I apologize for not believing you when you told me you were the devil, and instead thinking that you were delusional.”

“I’m glad to hear you’re finally taking some responsibility for yourself,” said Lucifer, sniffing delicately. She stared at him. Wasn’t there someone she could pray to for strength? Maybe not; his family probably didn’t answer calls pertaining to him anymore.

Linda was shaking her head. “What?” he said. “Alright, fine. I suppose I can be the bigger devil here.” He turned to face Chloe. “Detective, I apologize for not telling you the truth earlier. And for omitting other information that pertains to you, some of which I have yet to tell you.”

“Thank you, Lucifer,” she told him. And then the rest of his sentence hit her. “Wait, there’s more you haven’t told me? This wasn’t the thing you were talking about this morning?”

“It was one of the things,” said Lucifer. “There may be one or two more.”

“Seriously?” she said. What on earth was going on in his life?

“Thank you both,” said Linda, cutting across them before they could get out of hand. “Who would like to go next?”

Lucifer and Maze resolutely did not look at each other, or Linda, or Chloe, or anything much at all.

“I’ll go again!” said Chloe, who figured she had to be a role model for this conversation since it was clear Lucifer and Maze weren’t going to be. “Maze, I apologize for letting you down as a friend and making you feel like you couldn’t talk to me. And I guess also for not believing you either, which is probably why you didn’t talk to me. So, I apologize for that as well.”

“Whatever,” said Maze. “I’m sorry for trying to make Chloe fall in love with Pierce, and then planning on framing Lucifer for his murder after I killed him so we’d go back to Hell together and things would go back to the way things were.”

“Thank you?” said Chloe, who had never received a worse apology.

“Lucifer,” said Linda. “Do you have anything you’d like to say to Maze?”

“I suppose,” Lucifer said, tossing his head dramatically. “Mazikeen, I apologize for refusing to take you back to Hell so you could abandon me forever.”

“Um —” said Linda.

“I can’t believe you killed Pierce and got away with it,” Maze griped. “I thought humans sent people to jail after they committed murder, not let them carry on working with the police. I was counting on that.”

“I barely killed him,” said Lucifer, waving a hand. “He wanted to die. It was more like — devil-assisted suicide.”

“Whatever,” said Maze, slumping further down on the couch.

“If we ever do go back to Hell, you can torture him all you like,” he told her as if he were bestowing a great gift upon her.

Maze was positively delighted at the prospect. Her whole face lit up and her eyes grew wide. “Awesome,” she breathed.

“Well!” said Linda, who was obviously intelligent enough to know when to quit. “I think this has been a very productive session. It’s good to get things out in the open.”

“I agree,” said Chloe.

“It’s good to establish healthy coping mechanisms,” said Linda.

“Yes, of course, coping mechanisms,” said Lucifer. “Like drinking! Getting drunk usually solves all my problems, so getting drunk _together_ should solve all of ours! Maze, drinks?”

“Lucifer, I said _healthy_ coping mechanisms —” Linda tried.

“Yes!” said Maze, standing up as Lucifer did. “I want to pour a whole bottle of tequila down my throat.”

“What is happening?” Chloe asked.

“Ladies, drinks?” Lucifer said, opening the door. “We should have done this ages ago! Excellent suggestion, Doctor,” he concluded, striding through the door with Maze on his heels.

Chloe turned to Linda. “Do most of your sessions end that way?”

“Yes,” Linda said. She looked thoroughly resigned. “Yes, they do.”

“Detective! Doctor! Drinks!” Lucifer called from the hallway.

“Step by step, Chloe,” said Linda, standing up. “They’re trying.”

“I know,” said Chloe, who really did. She could see it all over them — and also the fact that trying to work through their emotions was deeply uncomfortable, foreign territory. “And drinks don’t actually sound that bad.”

“You know what,” said Linda, locking the door behind her. “They really don’t.”

* * *

“Is there really no food in Hell?” Chloe asked.

They were at Lux, the four of them, in one of the booths. They’d done a couple shots of tequila together after Lucifer and Maze had downed half the bottle and called it pre-drinking. Chloe was starting to feel a bit fuzzy.

“Nope!” said Lucifer. He looked a lot more sober than she felt, which figured. He was plastered to her side and had an arm slung over the back of the booth behind her. “Food and drink are one of the great Earthly delights.”

“We don’t need food to survive off the Earthly plane,” Maze added.

“What, no sushi restaurants in Dis?” Chloe said. She stirred her straw through the icy slush of her margarita.

“Ooh,” said Lucifer, his eyes lighting up. “Somebody’s been reading Dante’s Inferno!”

She tried to shrug nonchalantly, but couldn’t quite pull it off over her grin. Sitting here, talking about their new shared reality without having to deal with any fresh revelations or buried secrets was kinda nice.

“Dis is a trash heap,” said Maze.

“All of Hell is a trash heap, darling,” said Lucifer dismissively. He turned his body to face Chloe. “You shouldn’t deny yourself Earthly pleasures, Detective! There aren’t any steakhouses in the Silver City either.”

“That sucks,” said Linda, pouring another shot. She didn’t right the bottle in time and some spilled out onto the table.

“But there must be some good things about Hell,” said Chloe.

Lucifer scoffed. “Are you listening to yourself?” he said. “There aren’t any good things about Hell. That’s why it’s _Hell_.”

“Maze likes it,” Linda said, pointing at the demon.

“That’s because she’s a demon,” said Lucifer. “They like all the torture and darkness and despair.”

“Oh, thanks, Lucifer,” snarled Maze. “Real nice.” She turned her back to him as much as she was able to in a circular booth. “The weather is way better.”

“Yes, the weather!” said Lucifer. “You are right, Maze. It’s been freezing here lately.”

“It’s like seventy degrees,” Chloe said, incredulous.

“Exactly!” he said. “Way too cold. Hell is usually a nice forty-five, fifty degrees. That’s Celsius, by the way,” he added. “The guy who invented Fahrenheit is _definitely_ in Hell.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Maze. She tipped back her head and cackled.

“With the brine?” said Lucifer, and the two of them dissolved into laughter. Chloe and Linda looked at each other.

“Sometimes I really want to know,” said Linda. “But sometimes I think it’s really better if I don’t.”

“Probably a good idea,” said Chloe, who’d had so many revelations in the past week that her life was starting to resemble a soap opera in both content and pacing. She wasn’t so sure she was ready for details of how exactly they went about torturing people in Hell.

“Emotions!” Maze called out. “No pesky human emotions to deal with in Hell.”

The alcohol was making her feel sluggish, but she was pretty sure that this warranted a more emphatic response than she was capable of mustering. “You don’t have… emotions?”

“Basic ones,” Lucifer said in what he clearly thought was a reassuring tone. “Anger, that sort of things. But not pointless human ones like jealousy or compassion.”

“Total downside of being on Earth,” said Maze. Lucifer nodded emphatically.

Chloe leaned over to Linda. “Whatever he’s paying you,” she said. “It’s not enough.”

“It’s already pretty exorbitant,” Linda confessed.

“No, the Detective is right!” said Lucifer. “What do you like? Do you like rubies? Hang on, I’ve got a couple of things here that could work —”

“Uh, I guess?” said Linda. “I’ve never actually —”

She was cut off by Lucifer reaching out a closed fist and dropping a handful of precious red stones onto the table. “Oh my God!” she exclaimed, pressing herself as far back into her seat as she could. “Are those real?”

“Where did they come from?” said Chloe, who was definitely feeling a little tipsy now and wondered if maybe Lucifer just carried rubies around in his pockets to shower on unsuspecting women.

“Of course they’re real! I made them!” he said proudly. He picked one up and gave it to Chloe. “Just now! Nice, right?”

“Uh,” said Chloe. “Yes?” Because she wasn’t sure what else there was to say. She suspected that if she were too effusive in her praise she’d end up with a lapful of gems herself.

“Earth has nice things, I suppose,” said Maze, who was unfazed by the whole interlude with the rubies. She’d probably been witness to enough miraculous conjurations that they’d lost their novelty. “Besides food. The sex is pretty good. And no Lilith.”

“No Lilith!” Lucifer repeated. “I’ll toast to that.” He poured two more shots. He and Maze clinked their glasses together and threw them back.

“I would ask,” said Linda. “But honestly, I’m happy just to see them agreeing on something.”

“Yeah, I’ll toast to _that_ ,” said Chloe.

“Cheers!” said Lucifer, pouring another round.

* * *

It wasn’t a conversation she was looking forward to having, but she knew she had to talk to Trixie eventually.

“Hey, monkey,” she said, sitting down on the couch next to where her daughter sat cross-legged on the floor. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

Trixie looked up from her drawing. “Is everything okay?”

“I wanted to talk to you about Marcus,” she said. Trixie dropped her pencil crayon and scrambled onto the couch beside her.

“Are we going to have a reception for him?” Trixie asked, fiddling with her sleeve.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Chloe said carefully. Trixie deserved the truth, but it hurt so much to give it to her, to add another helping of misery on an already growing pile.

“Why not?” she said. She frowned, blinking up at her mother.

She steeled herself and reminded herself why she was doing this: however much it hurt to do this now, the truth would be so much less painful now than in the years to come. Trixie shouldn’t be left to wonder at her parents actions, only to later stumble onto the truth somewhere Chloe couldn’t control the fallout. 

“Marcus did some bad things,” Chloe said. “He hurt a lot of people.”

Trixie was silent for a moment, lost in that horrible expanse of understanding the words without really comprehending their meaning.

“He seemed nice,” said Trixie. She looked down at her feet. “He was nice to me.”

“He was,” said Chloe. “Sometimes people are nice to some people and mean to others.”

“Why?” said Trixie.

“I don’t know,” said Chloe. She wished she had all the answers. She wished she could give them to her daughter and ease her suffering, even just a little. “But I want you to know that however you’re feeling is okay. You can feel sad or angry or confused or however you want to feel.”

“I’m glad that someone who hurt people isn’t going to be my step-dad,” said Trixie.

“Me too,” said Chloe. Of all the things to be grateful for, the fact that she hadn’t let Pierce further into their lives was high on the list.

“I still feel sad,” said Trixie. “Is that okay?”

“That’s okay, monkey,” she said. She reached out and hugged her daughter tightly. “Of course it is. I feel sad too.” She cleared her throat. “Do you want to talk about this some more?”

“Not really,” Trixie said, her voice small.

“Okay,” said Chloe. “Why don’t we change into our pyjamas and put on a movie? Would you like that?”

Trixie sniffed. “Yeah,” she said.

“I think there’s even some ice cream in the freezer,” Chloe said.

“With chocolate fudge?” Trixie asked, brightening a little.

“Absolutely with chocolate fudge,” said Chloe.

* * *

There was a knock at the door the next day. Chloe opened the door to find Maze on her doorstep.

“Hi,” Chloe said.

“I didn’t come here to talk about your feelings,” said Maze, walking past her into the apartment.

“Right,” said Chloe. She probably could have guessed that before she found out that Maze was a demon. She closed the door. “So what brings you here?”

Maze crossed her arms. “You know the truth about me and Lucifer, and you haven’t run screaming or told him to go back to Hell or anything,” she said. “And you let me into your house just now. So that’s pretty cool of you, I guess.” Chloe was reasonably confident that she was being complimented, but she didn’t think she’d ever gotten one that sounded so grudging.

Chloe shrugged. “Well, we lived together,” she said. “I think if you were going to hurt me, or Trixie, you’d have done it around the time I made you take your sex swing out of the living room.”

“No, I would have done it before that,” said Maze. “I was going to kill you after I found out that you shot Lucifer and made him bleed. But Lucifer would have been — displeased.”

She didn’t really know what to say when someone made an announcement like that. “You’ve killed people.” It wasn’t really a question, but she wished that it was. She knew Maze could be cold and vicious, but she didn’t think that she was senseless in her violence.

Maze let out a sharp laugh. “I’ve done a lot more than just kill people,” she said. “I was Lucifer’s… well, everything. Friend, bodyguard, favourite torturer. Somebody or something came for him, and I killed them. Or he asked me to kill, or torture, and I did it.”

“I can’t imagine that,” said Chloe. Lucifer had practically self-flagellated over killing Pierce, someone who had been actively trying to kill the both of them; she couldn’t imagine him issuing commands for others to kill. The torture — well, it didn’t make her happy to think about it, but it was kinda in the job description.

“Of course not,” said Maze, sinking into a chair beside the counter. “Lucifer sees you and he turns into a giant puppy. It’s sickening.”

“I don’t know if I would describe Lucifer as a giant puppy,” said Chloe, leaning against the counter and propping her head on her hands.

“It doesn’t matter,” said Maze. “I’d never hurt you or your tiny little human. I’m pretty fond of her, actually. She’s a fierce fighter. She’s getting good with her blades.”

“I can’t believe I let you teach her how to fight,” Chloe groaned.

“What?” she said. “Kid’s gotta know how to protect herself.” There was little she could do to argue with that, especially considering the company she kept these days.

“Look, Maze,” said Chloe. “I know you pretty well by now, demon or not. I can’t pretend that I’m magically going to be fine with everything overnight, but — I’d really like us to be friends again.”

Maze looked her up and down. “You’re alright, Decker,” she said approvingly. “We’re still friends.”

“And I know I can trust you to look after Trixie,” she continued.

“Hell yeah you can,” said Maze. “Nothing bad will happen to her while I’m around.” Which sounded kinda crazy, but it was also true. It turned out that demons made for pretty decent babysitters.

“You did hurt her feelings,” Chloe said. “It would mean a lot to her if you apologized.”

“Ugh,” said Maze. “What is it with you humans and your apologies? I don’t know how you can get anything done when you have to stop every five seconds and say sorry for something.”

There was a bark to her words, but Chloe thought it was more of a performance than anything else. If Lucifer and Maze were to be believed — and at this point, there was no reason why she shouldn’t — they were swimming through a soup of unfamiliar, complex emotions. She’d take any small amount of effort.

“Trixie’s at her friend’s house right now,” she said. “But why don’t you stay for dinner? It can be the three of us tonight.”

“I would like that.” Maze looked at the floor and seemed to consider her next words carefully. “I _am_ sorry, you know,” she said. “About Pierce. It wasn’t personal.”

Wasn’t it? Chloe didn’t understand how Maze could have done those things and not considered how they would impact her and cause her misery. Had things gone her way, Maze, Lucifer, and Pierce — who she would have been in love with — would have been gone from her life in one fell swoop, and she would have been left behind, brokenhearted. She would have gone the rest of her life without having any answers, wondering if there was something she could have done differently.

“It feels personal,” said Chloe. “You were so supportive of me and my relationship with Pierce. I just — hurts. To know that wasn’t real.”

“I didn’t realize you cared so much about him,” said Maze. She continued to look resolutely at the floor.

“It’s not about him,” said Chloe. “It’s about us. I thought we were friends.”

“We _are_ friends,” said Maze. She looked up. “It’s just these — emotions. They’re so confusing and I don’t like them. I just wanted to go home and make them go away.”

What she had done was cruel. Maze was a demon, but that didn’t mean Chloe was going to write her a blank cheque to use as an excuse for all her misdeeds. And yet — here she was, making an effort, when nothing in her nature compelled her to do so.

“Come here,” said Chloe, holding out her arms.

The lost look in Maze’s eyes vanished and she recoiled. “I’m not gonna hug it out!”

“Just once?” said Chloe. She stepped around the counter and wiggled her fingers.

“Fine,” said Maze, submitting stiffly to the hug. “You’re lucky I like you, Decker.”

“Yeah,” she said. “I know.” She squeezed briefly and let her go.

“You must have picked up a thing or two about torture from me,” said Maze. “That was excruciating.”

“It was barely two seconds!”

“You got your hug,” said Maze. “That means we order pizza and I get to choose the toppings.”

Chloe knew how to pick her battles. She handed over the phone.

Trixie arrived not long after the pizza had been ordered. She raced through the door, then came to an abrupt halt upon seeing Maze.

“Hey, monkey,” said Chloe. “Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah,” said Trixie, still rooted to the spot.

“Maze is going to have dinner with us,” she said. “But there’s something she’d like to talk to you about first, if that’s okay.”

“Okay,” said Trixie, eyeing Maze warily but not running away.

“I didn’t mean what I said,” said Maze. It sounded as if she’d been practicing it in her head while they waited for Trixie to get back. “I was mad about something else and I took it out on you.”

“Mom says sometimes when people get mad they say things they don’t mean,” said Trixie.

“She’s right,” said Maze. “I didn’t mean it. I’m — sorry.” 

Trixie waited a moment. “I forgive you,” she said at last. She brightened. “Wanna see my high kick?”

“Show me,” said Maze, uncertainty dropping from her face in an instant.

Chloe smiled and shook her head. She went to go get some plates while Maze praised the height of Trixie’s kick and asked to see the other side. Maybe everything really was going to be okay.


End file.
